As you may or may have not known I recently put in my application to Rhode Island School of Design, a very prestigious and world renowned school of the arts. Of course, I applied for photography, it was a back breaking process but in all honesty I am proud of myself for applying, after a few years of saying that I would apply and never doing it. However, I just got my letter in today, my mother called me while I was at work and told me that it had arrived and that I should come straight home after work to open it. My nerves were shot, I assumed since I put the application in that I wouldn’t get in but having it solidified would just be my worst nightmare. On the other hand, if I got in I honestly wouldn’t know what to do. Would I crack under the pressure? Would I strive and finally become the person I’ve been daydreaming to become since I was a little boy with a plastic blue camera.
About an hour or 2 go by and my mother walks into my work, clutching the letter. My heart stopped for a minute. She had said the her and the others at my house (my father and brother) couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to know the results. I didn’t want to open the letter at my workplace, still with 4 hours left of my shift. If it was bad news I might cry and won’t want to be there for the next 4 hours, if it was good news I’d be too happy to stand there and ring out customers, I’d want to leave. I told my mother I didn’t want to open it. She stood there a few minutes…my curiousty and nerves got the best of me, I took the letter and ripped it open and there it was, the second paragraph in…”we regret to inform you”. A few minutes prior to this there was a customer standing there (i was ringing her out when my mother walked in). Of course my mother had to attempt to brag and tell the customer it was a college acceptance/rejection letter. The woman came back after she had walked back into the store for another product, she must have seen the look on my face and my mother’s, she gave me a look of compassion that was so genuine that I had to hold back tears. My manager had re-entered the building, he looked at me, I knew what he was asking. I just shook my head, he stay silent.
The rest of the shift seemed endless. It became easier when my manager wasn’t around or my co-worker, I couldn’t handle the looks. I didn’t dare speak of it to anyone else for fear of breaking down. A few times I choked back tears while ringing a customer out, all I kept thinking was “They thought you weren’t good enough, you’re not good enough” The shift and the day continued, I went on my break and that was the time I could use my phone and tell some of my very close friends the news. My eyes watered up but I stopped them before it got any further.
You see its not just the RISD rejection letter, its my web presence, or should I say, lack there of. Its also my lack of paying photography jobs, or the 0 sales my print store has brought in. I have had a website since 2008, that is 5 years. It wasn’t always photography, it started off as Photoshop resources and MySpace layouts. It evolved almost every year to encompass more and more things. I found myself comparing my website to other like sites. Mine had much more content, quality content at that, it was meticulous like everything I do is however I wasn’t getting any feedback, or responses, no unique visits. What was I doing wrong? Then I opened this website, and still nobody came to my website. I tried to promote with other sites, I even contacted Groupon to try and set up a deal for people to bring in some attention, Groupon didn’t even call back. This was all piling up against me, am I just delusional in thinking I’m good at what I do?
This brings me to my final point. At this present time I want to close down Modern Revolutions and abandoned my dream. Going into all of this giving up was never an option, however after being rejected by a well established school and putting all the pieces together maybe its time to stop wasting my time and close down this pipe dream. Who knows, maybe sometime down the line I will pick this back up again, but is it in the near future? Probably not…